Brains, beauty, love, money, dead flowers on your grave.

Something to always keep in mind.
I might not meet everyone in the world's expectations, I might have taken a different path in life, I might not have as much accomplished as some my age. It's all relative ("accomplishments" can vary and who's to say what is truly an accomplishment, anyways? It's a personal thing) and I am doing the best I can. I know how to love and move forward and I am trying my best to be the best *me* possible. The best *me* is all I can really work towards andI have to remember this. I can't do things the way everyone else does and live trying to be like others because I am NOT THEM. We are all different and learn, love, and live in different ways. I am going to try harder to embrace what makes me different and be proud of who I am and what I will be.

Strawberry bublegum chewing valley girl.

Real quick here:

I actually found a lot of cute stuff on clearance at Target the other day.  This VERY rarely happens to me-usually all the stuff on clearance (I'm an old lady bargain shopper, ok?) is really embarrassing, either very teenagery looking or for an elderly woman, also in wild sizes, but I actually lucked out.  These days I like mostly things that are kind of plain that easily can be accessorized/made more "unique"  but I also have a soft spot for more funky stuff as long as it isn't TOO kiddish or wild.  I actually found stuff that fit my little criteria, how nice.  One shirt I got has kind of a 60's vibe going on and reminds me of something a female version of Jim Morrison would wear, yes!

I rarely buy things for myself lately, as I am currently a student (and will be for a few more years) so money is tight and I have to SAVE everything.  Through working many years in retail and then later going on to manage a store, I acquired an insane amount of clothing and accessories of all kinds over the years.  Trust me, I have more than enough, haha.  I also liked to blow my money on some designer stuff in my earlier years so I have some expensive things I still wear.  The thing is I was in my late teens-early 20's during that time so a lot of that is just too kiddish or not my style anymore.  I try to make the most of what I have and stick to the more "timeless" pieces, while sometimes busting out something a little more "out there" but toning it down with basic pieces like a plain cardigan.  I like to mix expensive with cheapy items to create a look that's unique and hard to copy.  Most of my jeans are expensive and from my years of traveling and hardcore shopping in big cities, while the majority of my shirts are dirt-cheap, little gems found at weird places for ridiculously cheap prices.  I have an awesome mix of vintage jewelry, cheap costume jewelry, homemade stuff, unusual pieces from traveling, and some nice real stuff.  I'm always mixing it up.

I've always been an artistic and creative type of person, an eccentric if you will, so I am drawn to unusual pieces, but I don't want to look like a walking cartoon.  It's a delicate balance but I think I pull off showing my creative side well without looking like a total loon.  ;)

(This will probably be the only fashion-inspired post from me ever, as it's not something that's a huge priority in my life. My little shopping trip to Target just happened to inspire me.)

Sad, sad, sad, sad.

“Tears of a Clown” by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

This has been one of my favorite songs since I was a child.  My dad used to play this song a lot and it has really stuck with me throughout the years.  I went through a period where I would listen to this over and over again on repeat, never tiring of it.  Yes, this song is far before my time, but something my father actually did right and really exposed me to was a love of music and creativity, especially the classics from the 60's and 70's.  A great deal of my favorite music comes from these times.

It’s not all good/pleasant memories and if you knew my relationship with my father, you would understand why.  We are not close, it’s a long, complex story and I’m not going to retell it here.  

This song sounds happy and cheerful on the exterior but it’s actually pretty depressing.  It’s so personal to me and it’s painful to listen to in a lot of ways, yet I honestly enjoy the experience and bittersweet memories.   I’ve always been a huge sucker for nostalgia and an admitted masochist (at least mentally.)  I like as well as hate taking myself back to that place, back to those thoughts, and reflecting on all that has changed as I’ve made the transition to “adulthood”, whatever that may be.

Beautiful words, beautiful face, twisted mind.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain”
-Jim Morrison

Inspired by a post by Norma...thoughts from a successful maintainer (That would be me!)

This post by Norma got me thinking and led to this:


 I am honest with myself and my thoughts, meaning that I know what I am, I guess.  Unlike some people that keep saying they ARE NOT obsessed with something (only to talk about it ALL THE TIME), I know I have a tendency to get obsessed with things.  I've always been like that.  Due to my personal history and also because I simply care A LOT about how I look and feel, yes, I guess you can say I am *obsessed* with food/dieting/fitness/size/whatever you'd like to classify this as.  Sorry, that sentence was ridiculous.  I am quite fond of long, run-on sentences.  It's just way more my style then short, blunt ones.  I have a lot to write, always have.

I don't see this necessarily as such a HORRIBLE thing in the end (the obsessing over dieting not run-ons.) I honestly enjoy this subject and I like trying to be the best me possible (or at least somewhere close to it, I'm not in 100% perfect shape by far.)

I know that obsessing/making something your number 1 priority can go horribly wrong but I also think when you're in the right state of mind, that obsession can be a really good thing.  If I didn't care as much about all this and had more of a "whatever" attitude, I can guarantee you I'd be a good 40 pounds heavier or more.  I am not *naturally* thin.  I have to work hard at this, it does take my ALL.  I have to be really strict for the most part.  IT IS A PRIORITY TO ME.  I've tried to ignore this in the past and I felt miserable with how I looked.  IT's NOT WORTH IT TO ME to NOT make this a priority.

It's important for many reasons, a lot of them are vanity-related.  I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it.  My husband is lean and in good shape, I don't want him to be stuck with a rotund wife.  I like to wear cute,  often times tight, fashionable clothes.  I like looking a certain way, as most people do.  I'm not imposing these standards that I have on other people but i am imposing them on myself.  It's my choice and we all have the freedom to look how we want to, correct?

However, and especially as I get older, health is more a part of it too.  I know health isn't completely in your control, and you can be perfectly healthy and die out of nowhere (example:  both my grandparents, who were active and ate healthy, not overweight, never smoked, etc) but I'd like to make my odds as good as possible.  I want to minimize the chances of having health problems and complications while I am alive, why wouldn't I? I want to live a really long, active life with my husband and be a hot 60 year old like my mom (Yes, I called my mom hot haha.  She really looks amazing.  She's my inspiration in a lot of ways.)  I don't want to be out of breath, sitting on the sidelines, embarrassed to go swimming, on 5000 different medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, and etc.  I  want a full life and I want to feel comfortable in my skin.  Successful maintainers don't act like all this is easy, and don't act like it isn't a very big part of their world.  This matters tremendously and will always matter to me.  If you ever were chubby, pudgy, overweight, obese, whatever-then you have the ability to become that way again, and chances are you can get back to that point a lot easier than someone who has never been overweight.  I never want to end up at that place again (for me, this was "chubby" that could have easily become more than that if I never changed my ways,) so for the rest of my life this is something i have to focus on.  I don't see it as a burden but rather a goal that is worth working towards.  Again, I want to be the best *me* possible, or at least somewhere close to it that is still healthy and reasonably attainable.  It is worth the diligence in every way imaginable.

Flu and other sicky things.

I haven't had the flu/been sick at all yet this year, knock on woooood! I'd like think it's mostly because I eat healthy foods and drink tons of water and green tea.  In general, I very rarely get sick.  Maybe it's partially good genetics but I really think taking care of yourself adds in there.  The last time I was really, really sick and had to actually be on medication was about four years ago.  I was also in a management position (retail), working ALL the time, and having to deal with gross people touching everything.  Ick.

I don't know if it's just media hype but all that's been on the news (both local and national) is all about how the flu is horrible this year. Boston just declared it a public emergency I guess- scary stuff, nonetheless. I've never had a flu shot but once I am working in the dental field I'm assuming I will have to. I really don't believe in it unless you work in the health field, have a compromised immune system, are very young or very old, have other health problems, etc. For a normal person like myself, no. That's just me.

Here and There.

I used to be pretty big into blogging from around the years 2002-2008.  I was kind of popular on Livejournal (that sounds kind of pathetic-I'm really not trying to brag about internet popularity, haha, but I did have a lot of friends and people that gave me feedback on my writings.) Things changed and the site changed-a lot of people left, as did I.  I became a little more internet-introverted and stopped wanting to share so much.

I kind of prefer to keep my personal thoughts private now and my feelings on journaling have changed a lot.  I won't use the word "blog" because I find that term really annoying and embarrassing ;}.  Anyways,  I've been through a lot in those number of years and am not quite the same person I once was.  It's hard to go back to something that was pretty much all pain-based and negative and try to change it into something fresh and new.  I'm also more paranoid now about people knowing my personal thoughts and struggles-I guess that's probably just a part of growing up and maturing.  I don't want fellow coworkers, etc, finding out information about me.  I've had nosy (insane) coworkers in the past, so I know they will dig into your personal business if they want to bad enough.  Ugh.

Maybe I'll share a little eventually, but for now, I quite enjoy being an observer.  I'll write again when I am ready.  

In the meantime, here's a little something I wrote this past summer.  It's nothing special or wordy, just how I feel much of the time-kind of shocked that life moves so fast and that I'm really an adult in this  world.  I am a shy introvert by nature and change tends to scare me more than anything.  I'm getting better and more confident but a part of me is always worrying, always wanting to hide.

Who needs their dreams, organization and stylish interior decorating?
A coffee table of bankers boxes, a pipe, some Halloween stickers
Adulthood is just like childhood, you don't really change
Save for some twisted experiences and physical changes-
Blonde becomes black, the Aryan wonder baby 
becomes a dark, handsome gypsy
It happens,
I no longer am surprised.
I've seen it all, right? Lived it all.
You are what you've always been.