On and a lighter and more produce-filled note...

I'm always shocked to see the SMALL quanities of vegetables that people eat.  Tiny, maybe 1/2 cups of salads next to their meals, a few tablespoons of some steamed veggies, whatever.  Now, I know not everyone likes vegetables as me and wants to eat as many as me, but how could you stay full having such small amounts?  I'd be miserable and starving without bulking up on vegetables the way I do.

Of course, it depends on the vegetables, you really don't want to be eating 7 ears of corn or anything ; }. I'm talking about generally low-calorie and non-starchy veggies.  For me personally, a salad is a THING.  It's a LOT of leafy greens, not just a few sad leaves.  Homemade soup of any sort is LOADED UP with entire heads of cabbage and etc.  I don't skimp on my greens and I really think that has been one of my keys at maintaining and staying lean.

I'm a person that is all about VOLUME, I cannot eat tiny portions and feel ok.  It's just in my nature and I like to eat.  ;}  Volumetrics, or loading up on low-calories foods such as vegetables, helps me to stay fulfilled while seeing a lot of food in front of me and chewing a lot.  Sounds weird, maybe, but for me it's important.

Ok, so I'm going to go ahead and say a good majority of people will find this meal gross, haha.  That's ok.  I eat for myself and I don't generally try to make my food look very "pretty", it's just never been very important to me personally.  This plate of food is kind of screwed up and sloppy, I'll admit it, but I have a tendency to rush!  Anyways, this is a fairly typical dinner for me-I say fairly because I usually have my whole plate full of salad, but I must have been running low on this day.  ; } Also, please try to ignore my Mom's lovely late 80's silverware.  I know mauve silverware is really beautiful and all, but don't get yourself too distracted.

So there's some romaine, homemade hummus using chick peas, 1 tbsp of olive oil, lemon juice, and whatever herbs and spices I felt like (I love fresh dill, rosemary, and basil), a tomato, sauteed turnips with stone ground mustard (that was a little odd even for me, too zesty!), and a yam, perhaps with some Olivio butter spray, I can't remember.  When I feel like "going all out", I'll cut up the yam/sweet potato into fries and put them in the oven.  I am a simple eater, really.

I generally have some sort of variation of this meal everyday for dinner.  A large plate full of salad with some sort of beans or bean dip that I make myself, a sweet potato, and some other veggie if I feel like it or have it on hand- Very often mashed turnips.  Afterwards tends to be 100 calories worth of air-popped popcorn (2 tbsp) and a Cutie nectarine.  Breakfast and lunch are 99% of the time protein shakes (SPIRU-TEIN is my favorite) made with sugar-free almond milk, and less often hard boiled eggs or Greek yogurt; but I'll save all that for another post!

Mole Eyes (written last August)

...I always think, "That could be me, that could of been me.."


But so it goes, you do what you can, right?
Life just seems easy for everyone else

I think too much, I ruin possibilities.

No, everything isn't bad.  I am working on my goals, I have found my soul-mate, his presence keeps me sane and grounded in this world.

But I wonder, really, what is wrong with *me*?  I make myself sick and uncomfortable with everything.

I could of just taken on the role as the "pretty girl" and be ok with that-but I'd never be ok with simply that and always kind of loathed/loved attention solely based on looks.  I feel as a crazy person, an intellectual, a poet, a reader, a THINKER-it just feels so close to selling out to rely on looks and use that as your basis.  I could of used it to further whatever I wanted, I guess, but I have too much pride, too much mind.  I always feel guilty and used-up.

How can you be a "pretty girl" when you feel this ugly, anyways?  I feel like I've lost my status.  I don't know what I care about anymore but I care much more about other things.  I don't feel very attractive but I notice beauty in others, and in the world around me.  I don't care much about me.  I care about my weight and stuff like that and not being a complete wreck, but I don't feel like any great prize.  Sometimes your life is all outward, sometimes it goes inward.  Right now I feel like barely anyone really knows me.

A lot of uncomfortable thoughts were stirred about within me today, and over the past few days.  I'm left with my head stuck in the past and feeling kind of deranged, ugly, left behind...yet not really.  It's all the inner workings of my mind.  I choose to separate myself from people, from lots of things.

Different people go far in college, get themselves super educated, do all the traditional things and live traditional lives from a pretty young age.  These people tend to already have babies, a big house, and general lives i can't relate to.

Still other people are drifters, weird and artistic, but they seem to have lots of friends and a social life that keeps them occupied.

I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, anymore.  I know I've felt this way for a long time but I feel it even stronger now.

I wish for when we were all 20 and ALL fucked up and it was ok.  Nobody was adult, or had 'real' jobs, everyone did stupid stuff all the time and it was just the way it was.
Now there are more expectations and people take on their little roles so willingly.
Again, just like all the other times in my life, I don't fit.

So fuck you, pretty indie girls, for making me feel bad.  Like I  had my moment and it's over..like I am not pretty, not at all.  That I don't have the right ration of looks to creativity or hair to brains, something doesn't work out.  You make me feel old and inadequate, even when you're the same age as me.  You make me feel like a mousey-haired non-blonde with odd features and bad eyebrows. 
Fuck you, traditional people, for making me feel like I haven't accomplished enough.  Or that I haven't accomplished things in the correct order, or in the right amount of time.
Fuck you, artistic drifters, for always seeming so much cooler and more alive than me.  For all the friends you have that I don't.  For how you manage to tackle adult responsibilities, and quite well at that, and still have that fun flair to you that everyone wants.

I've been keeping diaries/journals for a very long time, since I could barely write, and all these feelings I've expressed have more or less come out my whole life.  I didn't care about the same things but the general mood of feeling left out and lonely, that has been my life.

Even during times where I've had lots of friends, lots of compliments, lots of YOU'RE SO PRETTY, lots of making people laugh and feeling so golden....something has always been off.

It's me.
I feel close to tears writing this because it just hurts admitting these things out-loud.
This isn't just about OH MY LOOKS, MY FACE!  or OH JOBS IN THE MODERN USA!, it goes deeper and scarier than that.  I'm just eternally jealous of everyone, always.  Their lives, their bodies, their faces, their hair, their college experiences, whatever.  I feel like I'm even jealous of my own past, haha, which is really fucking strange.  I'm just jealous. Period.  It's nauseating and gross and I hate to admit it but I get so worked up about all the stupid things in life.  I might be married and have a really wonderful, loving husband but I'll be jealous of someone because they seem really confident...regardless of whatever is missing in their life.  Regardless if they talk about how sad they are to be alone.  I don't take into account the things I have to be thankful for, I just look at the things within myself that I am lacking.  The things that I am insecure about or secretly angry about.

It's hard to let go and JUST BE YOU when what the entire world is up to is always right in your fucking face; Facebook, etc.  Whenever I feel like I finally have some sort of grip on myself, like I'm building up confidence and sanity and just GOOD VIBES, something throws me off.  & there's no way I can just delete Facebook, it's my only connection to some people and really one of the few social things in my life.  It's like my connection to the world outside of hubby and my cats.  I can't just erase that, I feel like that would be really bad.  I've gone periods where I've been really inactive on there, even for several months, but I always come back.

Whenever I give myself the ok to just be myself, and accept that not everyone is super-social, not everyone is some pretty-girl-queen 24/7 that gets tons of superficial attention, not everyone is rich and has a great job at this point, etc etc...when I tell myself IT'S OK TO BE ME, I LIKE MY LIFE AND HOW THINGS ARE GOING.  EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT..

something always stops me in my tracks and is like HEY PAY ATTENTION, YOU AREN'T LIKE THESE OTHER PEOPLE AND THAT IS CERTAINLY NOT A GOOD THING!

-_-

It's just a dumb cycle, I know this
I also know that people LIE AND EXAGGERATE...people don't want to post about the bad things in their life so they make it sound like they have the most incredible lives ever.  Facebook is no MySpace, I'll tell you that much.  On Myspace, it was a different time and age, we were all younger.  People posted embarrassing, depressing things and were very self-centered. There were really no pictures with tons of family and friends, it was all about pictures ALONE.  No one really talked about jobs or anything, we were like 19 and didn't care about stuff like that.  Now it's all about proving your social worth, how 'normal' you are in a way.  How much you've accomplished.  How many friends you have.
Both are silly and full of their own smoke and mirrors.
I guess I just don't understand people or life or anything like that. 
Still.

Bumpy, lumpy turnips and such.

Most people seem to dislike turnips while I quite enjoy them.
I've come to like "mashed turnips".  They're more flavorful than mashed cauliflower in my opinion, which are kind of bland.  All I do is boil some turnips, put it in the Vitamix with a splash of sugar-free almond milk and whatever seasonings I feel like.  Blend for a short period of time, depending on how creamy you want it, and that's it.  Really simple and hearty.

Other things I like that many find repulsive:  Brussels sprouts, raw tofu, lima beans (all beans, really), capers, kimchi/most all cabbage including sauerkraut, borscht, the list goes on.  I've always had unusual tastes, probably influenced greatly by my grandmother's ethnic cooking and eating habits, as well as their adoration for all fresh vegetables.   I've always preferred most all vegetables raw as opposed to cooked and plus it's just so simple. Weirdly enough, out of all the veggies out there, the one that I find the most boring and "meh" is carrots.  I'll eat them, they don't absolutely disgust me, but I've never been crazy about them.  I actually prefer them cooked and in soups than raw.  There's something about them-They're just overly sweet and kind of remind me of crunchy sugar water.  Heh.  I'll still eat them in salads or whatever but I don't really go out of my way to buy them.  I've tried forcing myself to eat them for their health benefits but felt kind of sad eating the waxy, knobby little guys....I'll stick to my funny little turnips. ;}