On and a lighter and more produce-filled note...

I'm always shocked to see the SMALL quanities of vegetables that people eat.  Tiny, maybe 1/2 cups of salads next to their meals, a few tablespoons of some steamed veggies, whatever.  Now, I know not everyone likes vegetables as me and wants to eat as many as me, but how could you stay full having such small amounts?  I'd be miserable and starving without bulking up on vegetables the way I do.

Of course, it depends on the vegetables, you really don't want to be eating 7 ears of corn or anything ; }. I'm talking about generally low-calorie and non-starchy veggies.  For me personally, a salad is a THING.  It's a LOT of leafy greens, not just a few sad leaves.  Homemade soup of any sort is LOADED UP with entire heads of cabbage and etc.  I don't skimp on my greens and I really think that has been one of my keys at maintaining and staying lean.

I'm a person that is all about VOLUME, I cannot eat tiny portions and feel ok.  It's just in my nature and I like to eat.  ;}  Volumetrics, or loading up on low-calories foods such as vegetables, helps me to stay fulfilled while seeing a lot of food in front of me and chewing a lot.  Sounds weird, maybe, but for me it's important.

Ok, so I'm going to go ahead and say a good majority of people will find this meal gross, haha.  That's ok.  I eat for myself and I don't generally try to make my food look very "pretty", it's just never been very important to me personally.  This plate of food is kind of screwed up and sloppy, I'll admit it, but I have a tendency to rush!  Anyways, this is a fairly typical dinner for me-I say fairly because I usually have my whole plate full of salad, but I must have been running low on this day.  ; } Also, please try to ignore my Mom's lovely late 80's silverware.  I know mauve silverware is really beautiful and all, but don't get yourself too distracted.

So there's some romaine, homemade hummus using chick peas, 1 tbsp of olive oil, lemon juice, and whatever herbs and spices I felt like (I love fresh dill, rosemary, and basil), a tomato, sauteed turnips with stone ground mustard (that was a little odd even for me, too zesty!), and a yam, perhaps with some Olivio butter spray, I can't remember.  When I feel like "going all out", I'll cut up the yam/sweet potato into fries and put them in the oven.  I am a simple eater, really.

I generally have some sort of variation of this meal everyday for dinner.  A large plate full of salad with some sort of beans or bean dip that I make myself, a sweet potato, and some other veggie if I feel like it or have it on hand- Very often mashed turnips.  Afterwards tends to be 100 calories worth of air-popped popcorn (2 tbsp) and a Cutie nectarine.  Breakfast and lunch are 99% of the time protein shakes (SPIRU-TEIN is my favorite) made with sugar-free almond milk, and less often hard boiled eggs or Greek yogurt; but I'll save all that for another post!

Mole Eyes (written last August)

...I always think, "That could be me, that could of been me.."


But so it goes, you do what you can, right?
Life just seems easy for everyone else

I think too much, I ruin possibilities.

No, everything isn't bad.  I am working on my goals, I have found my soul-mate, his presence keeps me sane and grounded in this world.

But I wonder, really, what is wrong with *me*?  I make myself sick and uncomfortable with everything.

I could of just taken on the role as the "pretty girl" and be ok with that-but I'd never be ok with simply that and always kind of loathed/loved attention solely based on looks.  I feel as a crazy person, an intellectual, a poet, a reader, a THINKER-it just feels so close to selling out to rely on looks and use that as your basis.  I could of used it to further whatever I wanted, I guess, but I have too much pride, too much mind.  I always feel guilty and used-up.

How can you be a "pretty girl" when you feel this ugly, anyways?  I feel like I've lost my status.  I don't know what I care about anymore but I care much more about other things.  I don't feel very attractive but I notice beauty in others, and in the world around me.  I don't care much about me.  I care about my weight and stuff like that and not being a complete wreck, but I don't feel like any great prize.  Sometimes your life is all outward, sometimes it goes inward.  Right now I feel like barely anyone really knows me.

A lot of uncomfortable thoughts were stirred about within me today, and over the past few days.  I'm left with my head stuck in the past and feeling kind of deranged, ugly, left behind...yet not really.  It's all the inner workings of my mind.  I choose to separate myself from people, from lots of things.

Different people go far in college, get themselves super educated, do all the traditional things and live traditional lives from a pretty young age.  These people tend to already have babies, a big house, and general lives i can't relate to.

Still other people are drifters, weird and artistic, but they seem to have lots of friends and a social life that keeps them occupied.

I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere, anymore.  I know I've felt this way for a long time but I feel it even stronger now.

I wish for when we were all 20 and ALL fucked up and it was ok.  Nobody was adult, or had 'real' jobs, everyone did stupid stuff all the time and it was just the way it was.
Now there are more expectations and people take on their little roles so willingly.
Again, just like all the other times in my life, I don't fit.

So fuck you, pretty indie girls, for making me feel bad.  Like I  had my moment and it's over..like I am not pretty, not at all.  That I don't have the right ration of looks to creativity or hair to brains, something doesn't work out.  You make me feel old and inadequate, even when you're the same age as me.  You make me feel like a mousey-haired non-blonde with odd features and bad eyebrows. 
Fuck you, traditional people, for making me feel like I haven't accomplished enough.  Or that I haven't accomplished things in the correct order, or in the right amount of time.
Fuck you, artistic drifters, for always seeming so much cooler and more alive than me.  For all the friends you have that I don't.  For how you manage to tackle adult responsibilities, and quite well at that, and still have that fun flair to you that everyone wants.

I've been keeping diaries/journals for a very long time, since I could barely write, and all these feelings I've expressed have more or less come out my whole life.  I didn't care about the same things but the general mood of feeling left out and lonely, that has been my life.

Even during times where I've had lots of friends, lots of compliments, lots of YOU'RE SO PRETTY, lots of making people laugh and feeling so golden....something has always been off.

It's me.
I feel close to tears writing this because it just hurts admitting these things out-loud.
This isn't just about OH MY LOOKS, MY FACE!  or OH JOBS IN THE MODERN USA!, it goes deeper and scarier than that.  I'm just eternally jealous of everyone, always.  Their lives, their bodies, their faces, their hair, their college experiences, whatever.  I feel like I'm even jealous of my own past, haha, which is really fucking strange.  I'm just jealous. Period.  It's nauseating and gross and I hate to admit it but I get so worked up about all the stupid things in life.  I might be married and have a really wonderful, loving husband but I'll be jealous of someone because they seem really confident...regardless of whatever is missing in their life.  Regardless if they talk about how sad they are to be alone.  I don't take into account the things I have to be thankful for, I just look at the things within myself that I am lacking.  The things that I am insecure about or secretly angry about.

It's hard to let go and JUST BE YOU when what the entire world is up to is always right in your fucking face; Facebook, etc.  Whenever I feel like I finally have some sort of grip on myself, like I'm building up confidence and sanity and just GOOD VIBES, something throws me off.  & there's no way I can just delete Facebook, it's my only connection to some people and really one of the few social things in my life.  It's like my connection to the world outside of hubby and my cats.  I can't just erase that, I feel like that would be really bad.  I've gone periods where I've been really inactive on there, even for several months, but I always come back.

Whenever I give myself the ok to just be myself, and accept that not everyone is super-social, not everyone is some pretty-girl-queen 24/7 that gets tons of superficial attention, not everyone is rich and has a great job at this point, etc etc...when I tell myself IT'S OK TO BE ME, I LIKE MY LIFE AND HOW THINGS ARE GOING.  EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT..

something always stops me in my tracks and is like HEY PAY ATTENTION, YOU AREN'T LIKE THESE OTHER PEOPLE AND THAT IS CERTAINLY NOT A GOOD THING!

-_-

It's just a dumb cycle, I know this
I also know that people LIE AND EXAGGERATE...people don't want to post about the bad things in their life so they make it sound like they have the most incredible lives ever.  Facebook is no MySpace, I'll tell you that much.  On Myspace, it was a different time and age, we were all younger.  People posted embarrassing, depressing things and were very self-centered. There were really no pictures with tons of family and friends, it was all about pictures ALONE.  No one really talked about jobs or anything, we were like 19 and didn't care about stuff like that.  Now it's all about proving your social worth, how 'normal' you are in a way.  How much you've accomplished.  How many friends you have.
Both are silly and full of their own smoke and mirrors.
I guess I just don't understand people or life or anything like that. 
Still.

Bumpy, lumpy turnips and such.

Most people seem to dislike turnips while I quite enjoy them.
I've come to like "mashed turnips".  They're more flavorful than mashed cauliflower in my opinion, which are kind of bland.  All I do is boil some turnips, put it in the Vitamix with a splash of sugar-free almond milk and whatever seasonings I feel like.  Blend for a short period of time, depending on how creamy you want it, and that's it.  Really simple and hearty.

Other things I like that many find repulsive:  Brussels sprouts, raw tofu, lima beans (all beans, really), capers, kimchi/most all cabbage including sauerkraut, borscht, the list goes on.  I've always had unusual tastes, probably influenced greatly by my grandmother's ethnic cooking and eating habits, as well as their adoration for all fresh vegetables.   I've always preferred most all vegetables raw as opposed to cooked and plus it's just so simple. Weirdly enough, out of all the veggies out there, the one that I find the most boring and "meh" is carrots.  I'll eat them, they don't absolutely disgust me, but I've never been crazy about them.  I actually prefer them cooked and in soups than raw.  There's something about them-They're just overly sweet and kind of remind me of crunchy sugar water.  Heh.  I'll still eat them in salads or whatever but I don't really go out of my way to buy them.  I've tried forcing myself to eat them for their health benefits but felt kind of sad eating the waxy, knobby little guys....I'll stick to my funny little turnips. ;}

Your ballroom days are over, baby.

25 Things You Don't Have To Justify To Anyone(!)

A friend/acquaintance of mine posted this on Facebook and of course I liked it so much I had to share...everywhere.

Seriously. I could care less about trying to be like my make-believe friends anymore, haha, or trying to keep up with how "perfect" others are-from their jobs to their homes to their whatever. Do what you want, be honest, stop exaggerating about everything in all respects, JUST BE YOU and do what makes you happy and/or sane.

Brains, beauty, love, money, dead flowers on your grave.

Something to always keep in mind.
I might not meet everyone in the world's expectations, I might have taken a different path in life, I might not have as much accomplished as some my age. It's all relative ("accomplishments" can vary and who's to say what is truly an accomplishment, anyways? It's a personal thing) and I am doing the best I can. I know how to love and move forward and I am trying my best to be the best *me* possible. The best *me* is all I can really work towards andI have to remember this. I can't do things the way everyone else does and live trying to be like others because I am NOT THEM. We are all different and learn, love, and live in different ways. I am going to try harder to embrace what makes me different and be proud of who I am and what I will be.

Strawberry bublegum chewing valley girl.

Real quick here:

I actually found a lot of cute stuff on clearance at Target the other day.  This VERY rarely happens to me-usually all the stuff on clearance (I'm an old lady bargain shopper, ok?) is really embarrassing, either very teenagery looking or for an elderly woman, also in wild sizes, but I actually lucked out.  These days I like mostly things that are kind of plain that easily can be accessorized/made more "unique"  but I also have a soft spot for more funky stuff as long as it isn't TOO kiddish or wild.  I actually found stuff that fit my little criteria, how nice.  One shirt I got has kind of a 60's vibe going on and reminds me of something a female version of Jim Morrison would wear, yes!

I rarely buy things for myself lately, as I am currently a student (and will be for a few more years) so money is tight and I have to SAVE everything.  Through working many years in retail and then later going on to manage a store, I acquired an insane amount of clothing and accessories of all kinds over the years.  Trust me, I have more than enough, haha.  I also liked to blow my money on some designer stuff in my earlier years so I have some expensive things I still wear.  The thing is I was in my late teens-early 20's during that time so a lot of that is just too kiddish or not my style anymore.  I try to make the most of what I have and stick to the more "timeless" pieces, while sometimes busting out something a little more "out there" but toning it down with basic pieces like a plain cardigan.  I like to mix expensive with cheapy items to create a look that's unique and hard to copy.  Most of my jeans are expensive and from my years of traveling and hardcore shopping in big cities, while the majority of my shirts are dirt-cheap, little gems found at weird places for ridiculously cheap prices.  I have an awesome mix of vintage jewelry, cheap costume jewelry, homemade stuff, unusual pieces from traveling, and some nice real stuff.  I'm always mixing it up.

I've always been an artistic and creative type of person, an eccentric if you will, so I am drawn to unusual pieces, but I don't want to look like a walking cartoon.  It's a delicate balance but I think I pull off showing my creative side well without looking like a total loon.  ;)

(This will probably be the only fashion-inspired post from me ever, as it's not something that's a huge priority in my life. My little shopping trip to Target just happened to inspire me.)

Sad, sad, sad, sad.

“Tears of a Clown” by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

This has been one of my favorite songs since I was a child.  My dad used to play this song a lot and it has really stuck with me throughout the years.  I went through a period where I would listen to this over and over again on repeat, never tiring of it.  Yes, this song is far before my time, but something my father actually did right and really exposed me to was a love of music and creativity, especially the classics from the 60's and 70's.  A great deal of my favorite music comes from these times.

It’s not all good/pleasant memories and if you knew my relationship with my father, you would understand why.  We are not close, it’s a long, complex story and I’m not going to retell it here.  

This song sounds happy and cheerful on the exterior but it’s actually pretty depressing.  It’s so personal to me and it’s painful to listen to in a lot of ways, yet I honestly enjoy the experience and bittersweet memories.   I’ve always been a huge sucker for nostalgia and an admitted masochist (at least mentally.)  I like as well as hate taking myself back to that place, back to those thoughts, and reflecting on all that has changed as I’ve made the transition to “adulthood”, whatever that may be.

Beautiful words, beautiful face, twisted mind.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain”
-Jim Morrison

Inspired by a post by Norma...thoughts from a successful maintainer (That would be me!)

This post by Norma got me thinking and led to this:


 I am honest with myself and my thoughts, meaning that I know what I am, I guess.  Unlike some people that keep saying they ARE NOT obsessed with something (only to talk about it ALL THE TIME), I know I have a tendency to get obsessed with things.  I've always been like that.  Due to my personal history and also because I simply care A LOT about how I look and feel, yes, I guess you can say I am *obsessed* with food/dieting/fitness/size/whatever you'd like to classify this as.  Sorry, that sentence was ridiculous.  I am quite fond of long, run-on sentences.  It's just way more my style then short, blunt ones.  I have a lot to write, always have.

I don't see this necessarily as such a HORRIBLE thing in the end (the obsessing over dieting not run-ons.) I honestly enjoy this subject and I like trying to be the best me possible (or at least somewhere close to it, I'm not in 100% perfect shape by far.)

I know that obsessing/making something your number 1 priority can go horribly wrong but I also think when you're in the right state of mind, that obsession can be a really good thing.  If I didn't care as much about all this and had more of a "whatever" attitude, I can guarantee you I'd be a good 40 pounds heavier or more.  I am not *naturally* thin.  I have to work hard at this, it does take my ALL.  I have to be really strict for the most part.  IT IS A PRIORITY TO ME.  I've tried to ignore this in the past and I felt miserable with how I looked.  IT's NOT WORTH IT TO ME to NOT make this a priority.

It's important for many reasons, a lot of them are vanity-related.  I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of it.  My husband is lean and in good shape, I don't want him to be stuck with a rotund wife.  I like to wear cute,  often times tight, fashionable clothes.  I like looking a certain way, as most people do.  I'm not imposing these standards that I have on other people but i am imposing them on myself.  It's my choice and we all have the freedom to look how we want to, correct?

However, and especially as I get older, health is more a part of it too.  I know health isn't completely in your control, and you can be perfectly healthy and die out of nowhere (example:  both my grandparents, who were active and ate healthy, not overweight, never smoked, etc) but I'd like to make my odds as good as possible.  I want to minimize the chances of having health problems and complications while I am alive, why wouldn't I? I want to live a really long, active life with my husband and be a hot 60 year old like my mom (Yes, I called my mom hot haha.  She really looks amazing.  She's my inspiration in a lot of ways.)  I don't want to be out of breath, sitting on the sidelines, embarrassed to go swimming, on 5000 different medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, and etc.  I  want a full life and I want to feel comfortable in my skin.  Successful maintainers don't act like all this is easy, and don't act like it isn't a very big part of their world.  This matters tremendously and will always matter to me.  If you ever were chubby, pudgy, overweight, obese, whatever-then you have the ability to become that way again, and chances are you can get back to that point a lot easier than someone who has never been overweight.  I never want to end up at that place again (for me, this was "chubby" that could have easily become more than that if I never changed my ways,) so for the rest of my life this is something i have to focus on.  I don't see it as a burden but rather a goal that is worth working towards.  Again, I want to be the best *me* possible, or at least somewhere close to it that is still healthy and reasonably attainable.  It is worth the diligence in every way imaginable.

Flu and other sicky things.

I haven't had the flu/been sick at all yet this year, knock on woooood! I'd like think it's mostly because I eat healthy foods and drink tons of water and green tea.  In general, I very rarely get sick.  Maybe it's partially good genetics but I really think taking care of yourself adds in there.  The last time I was really, really sick and had to actually be on medication was about four years ago.  I was also in a management position (retail), working ALL the time, and having to deal with gross people touching everything.  Ick.

I don't know if it's just media hype but all that's been on the news (both local and national) is all about how the flu is horrible this year. Boston just declared it a public emergency I guess- scary stuff, nonetheless. I've never had a flu shot but once I am working in the dental field I'm assuming I will have to. I really don't believe in it unless you work in the health field, have a compromised immune system, are very young or very old, have other health problems, etc. For a normal person like myself, no. That's just me.

Here and There.

I used to be pretty big into blogging from around the years 2002-2008.  I was kind of popular on Livejournal (that sounds kind of pathetic-I'm really not trying to brag about internet popularity, haha, but I did have a lot of friends and people that gave me feedback on my writings.) Things changed and the site changed-a lot of people left, as did I.  I became a little more internet-introverted and stopped wanting to share so much.

I kind of prefer to keep my personal thoughts private now and my feelings on journaling have changed a lot.  I won't use the word "blog" because I find that term really annoying and embarrassing ;}.  Anyways,  I've been through a lot in those number of years and am not quite the same person I once was.  It's hard to go back to something that was pretty much all pain-based and negative and try to change it into something fresh and new.  I'm also more paranoid now about people knowing my personal thoughts and struggles-I guess that's probably just a part of growing up and maturing.  I don't want fellow coworkers, etc, finding out information about me.  I've had nosy (insane) coworkers in the past, so I know they will dig into your personal business if they want to bad enough.  Ugh.

Maybe I'll share a little eventually, but for now, I quite enjoy being an observer.  I'll write again when I am ready.  

In the meantime, here's a little something I wrote this past summer.  It's nothing special or wordy, just how I feel much of the time-kind of shocked that life moves so fast and that I'm really an adult in this  world.  I am a shy introvert by nature and change tends to scare me more than anything.  I'm getting better and more confident but a part of me is always worrying, always wanting to hide.

Who needs their dreams, organization and stylish interior decorating?
A coffee table of bankers boxes, a pipe, some Halloween stickers
Adulthood is just like childhood, you don't really change
Save for some twisted experiences and physical changes-
Blonde becomes black, the Aryan wonder baby 
becomes a dark, handsome gypsy
It happens,
I no longer am surprised.
I've seen it all, right? Lived it all.
You are what you've always been.